February 16, 2008

Onion Swagology: Kung Fu Panda Punching Bag

From The Onion:

Item: Punching bag

Promoting: Dreamworks' upcoming CGI film Kung Fu Panda

Relevance to product promoted: Presumably high. A punching bag no doubt figures prominently in a training montage or two. Like Bee Movie, the Jack Black-as-incongruous-animal-martial-artist laugher Kung Fu Panda has accomplished the formidable feat of being ridiculously overexposed months before its actual release.

Item quality: ? Who the hell knows? It would be hard to imagine a more unwieldy or time-intensive piece of promotional crap. The 10-step inflation-instruction manual makes the process sound more time- and labor-intensive than planning D-Day. Don't even think about blowing this thing up the old-fashioned way: "Inflate by small hand pump or electric inflater," the instructions prissily demand. Fuck, when is Dreamworks finally going to send us a promotional hand pump or electric inflater? It'd be the perfect tie-in for their upcoming slate of CGI cartoons about the madcap adventures of a group of anthropomorphic hand pumps and electric inflaters.

Posted by mark at 3:00 PM. Permalink: Onion Swagology: Kung Fu Panda Punching Bag | Comments (0)

February 14, 2008

Onion Swagology: Resident Evil Sand Ball

The Onion passes judgment:

Item: An odd plastic ball full of glittery sand; when one side is up, the sand falls through to the other side to reveal a Vegas landscape and the words "This fall all bets are off." Turn the ball over again, and the sand falls back to the Vegas side, revealing the black words "Resident Evil Extinction."

Promoting: Take a wild guess.

Relevance to product promoted: Vegas is in a desert, right? Deserts have sand, right? Okay, we get it. Also, they totally got the name of the movie in there.

Item quality: 3. It's a useless tchotchke, so film-specific that we can't pawn it off on Great-Aunt Myrtle and pretend it was a thoughtfully chosen gift. But it is reasonably well-made, and the way the sand falls through the holes to slowly reveal the title, shining up from the remaining glittery sand, is kind of eerie. Wouldn't work too well on an item promoting, say, Winnie The Pooh: Wonderful Word Adventure, but as zombie-film promo merch goes, this is almost classy.

Posted by mark at 3:40 PM. Permalink: Onion Swagology: Resident Evil Sand Ball | Comments (0)

February 11, 2008

Onion Swagology: Say Chowder Egg

The Onion breaks it down for us:

Item: "1 Order Of Herby Eggz," a.k.a. an egg in a fancy promotional fold-out cardboard box, with grow-it-yourself seedlings inside

Promoting: The Cartoon Network series Chowder.

Relevance to product promoted: Unclear. The promo episodes included with the egg don't mention anything about little plants growing out of eggs, though they do feature a lot of other entertainingly surreal things.

Item quality: Hard to say, because we haven't tried to grow a plant out of it yet. The elaborate painted-box container is adorable and appealing, the egg is perfect, and the whole idea is pretty neat. We want to give it a 5 just on innovation, presentation, and memorability, but we might someday be forced to drop it to a 4 if it breaks our hearts in the plant-growing department and turns out to be just a porcelain egg full of dirt.

Posted by mark at 3:35 PM. Permalink: Onion Swagology: Say Chowder Egg | Comments (0)

February 9, 2008

Onion Swagology: The Talkin' Optimus Prime Blues

From my favorite swagologists:

Item: Talking Optimus Prime Action Figure

Promoting: Transformers

Relevance to product promoted: Huh, let's see, a Transformers movie and a giant, expensive toy of a robot that changes into some sort of automobile? Call us dense, but we really aren't seeing a meaningful connection between the two.

Item quality: 5. According to its box, the figure's "Advanced Automorph Technology Triggers Electronic Lights And Sounds." So, you know, it's got that going for it. Additionally, it's got all the strengths of the Transformers movie (a neato robot-truck dude, weird noises, shiny lights) with none of its weaknesses (incoherent editing, labored scatological humor, a bloated running time, etc. etc. unto infinity).

Posted by mark at 3:10 PM. Permalink: Onion Swagology: The Talkin' Optimus Prime Blues | Comments (0)

February 8, 2008

Onion Swagology: Electric Apricot Stress Ball Bus

I came for the satire, but stayed for the trenchant analysis:

Item: A soft, squishy foam bus with "National Lampoon Presents Electric Apricot" printed on the top.

Promoting: The sloppy jam-band mockumentary Electric Apricot, directed by Primus frontman Les Claypool

Relevance to product promoted: Acceptable. Electric Apricot follows the zany misadventures of a hard-touring jam band that presumably traverses the country in a soft, squishy foam bus. Or a non-soft, non-squishy real bus. In the crazy, mixed-up, upside-down world of late-period National Lampoon movies, who can even tell any more? Like the film it's promoting, this promo item is probably only amusing to people who are really high.

Item quality: 2. It's sufficiently soft and squishy, and thanks to its complete lack of moving parts, it has yet to fall apart, but it's also insanely cheap-looking; the promo merchants didn't even bother to print the film's title on the sides of the bus.

Posted by mark at 7:08 AM. Permalink: Onion Swagology: Electric Apricot Stress Ball Bus | Comments (0)

February 7, 2008

Onion Swagology: Class of 3000 Lunchbox

From my favorite humorous news source:

Item: Lunchbox

Promoting: Class Of 3000

Relevance to product promoted: High. Nothing says "Andre Benjamin-engineered Cartoon Network show about a free-spirited elementary school" quite like a lunchbox bearing a goateed visage of Andre 3000 looking rakish and debonair.

Item quality: 5. This bright, colorful lunchbox comes with a canteen, a fake sandwich containing a DVD of the first episode of the second season, and even a note from mom reading "Your dad and I are both very proud of your 2nd season! Try to stay awake in class and don't trade your sandwich! Love, Mom." Awww!!!! It's almost oppressively adorable.

Posted by mark at 7:06 AM. Permalink: Onion Swagology: Class of 3000 Lunchbox | Comments (0)

February 6, 2008

Onion Swagology: Disturbia Home Confinement Kit

The Onion gets an ancient Twinkie:

Item: Disturbia Home Confinement Kit

Promoting: The theatrical release of the teen Rear Window remake Disturbia

Relevance to product promoted: Creepy. In the film, surly Shia LaBoeuf is confined to his home for several months after punching an obnoxious teacher, and he whiles away the days with all-night voyeurism and weird projects like building an elaborate Twinkie tower. The kit includes a Twinkie, a can of Red Bull (for staying awake while spying on your neighbor to see if he's a serial killer), and a pair of cheap binoculars.

Item quality: 4. The binocs aren't too impressive, but the Twinkie and Red Bull are presumably the real thing. We'll have to wait until we get home-confined to find out. (Note: We will not be eating the Twinkie. It has an expiration date of March 2000. Who even knew that Twinkies were capable of expiring?)

Posted by mark at 11:04 AM. Permalink: Onion Swagology: Disturbia Home Confinement Kit | Comments (0)

February 4, 2008

Onion Swagology: Mad Money Master Lock

Item: A Master lock

Promoting: The Queen Latifah/Katie Holmes/Diane Keaton buddy comedy Mad Money

Relevance to product promoted: Perversely cryptic. The words Mad Money don't appear anywhere on the lock or the packaging. The only indication that this was designed as a Mad Money promo is a tag with the film's release date (01-18-08), an M on the plastic cube housing the lock, and the tagline "Will They Get Away With It?" Since Mad Money revolves around money-robbing wackiness, locks play a sort of vague conceptual role.

Item quality: 3. The lock itself is a sturdy, no-nonsense theft deterrent, but whatever goodwill it might engender (key word: "might") is offset by the fact that it's packed in tiny, clingy fake-money confetti guaranteed to slip out of the box and get into all sorts of annoying, inconvenient places. Do you really want to associate an already-dodgy new film with irritating messes and staticky debris?

Posted by mark at 2:58 PM. Permalink: Onion Swagology: Mad Money Master Lock | Comments (0)

January 28, 2008

Onion Swagology: Heartbreak Kid Pillow

So, this series is really going to be just a cut and paste job because the Onion article is so great.

Item: A faux hand-stitched pillow adorned with a ghoulish recreation of Ben Stiller's simian features, and the title "World's Greatest Husband"

Promoting: The Farrelly brothers' little-loved remake of The Heartbreak Kid

Relevance to product promoted: High. It's apparently a recreation of the pillow Stiller's monstrous new wife makes him while bedridden during their disastrous honeymoon.

Item quality, on a scale from 1 (instantly disposable) to 5 (office-humor essential): 5. Words cannot do justice to this bizarre curio's soul-shuddering creepiness. Stiller's cold, dead eyes seem to follow you wherever you go, while his smudgy lips are permanently frozen together in stern, disapproving judgment. Like the Patch Adams clipboard and Novocaine beat-up teddy bear that inexplicably still occupy a place of pride at the A.V. Club office, this creepily detailed pillow妖ig the hearts and flowers and fussy, quaint lettering様ooks primed to outlive the film it so indelibly promotes.

Posted by mark at 8:09 PM. Permalink: Onion Swagology: Heartbreak Kid Pillow | Comments (0)

Looking for promos? Find promotional items, corporate gifts and promotional marketing articles at ePromos Promotional Products, Inc..